I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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