There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
