If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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