thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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