Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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