i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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