my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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