I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
