my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
