I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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