Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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