I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
