I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I AM VODKA MAN
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
