Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
