I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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