Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
