I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
