Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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