i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
