mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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