When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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