You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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