This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
