He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
