I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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