this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
