dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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