Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
