It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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