Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
