i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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