Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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