Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
