I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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