wakey wakey hands off snakey
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
