Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
