Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
