apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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