I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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