It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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