I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
