you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
