Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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