Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dick has a subreddit
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
