do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
