I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
