I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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