I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize