Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
