I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
