A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
