What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
