she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
