Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
