woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
