Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
