...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
