i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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